I think I'm feeling this way because Kevin is away working in Sweden on a job. Mom is gone and I just miss her so much. I want to be a child again and run up and see her. It makes me horribly sad that she's dead and I'll never see her again. She was such a wonderful mother and she died and suffered before her time. I'll be watching What Dreams May Come tonight and thinking of the world outside of this one. What is heaven, or hell? Can they be found or is it a world we create? Is Hell just a life that we never lived properly? Those who feel young and act young don't worry about this. In many ways I still do these things. I don't have children and my husband and I don't plan on taking that path. And that doesn't make me sad that I won't have my own kids. It's just when I think of my mom and realize she brought me on to this Earth... I am just overwhelming grateful that she decided to have a child. Only one. Me. And here I am. I create beauty everyday. I create good feelings in others and perhaps bad ones too.
The night before my first day working at SHS, I had a dream. My mother visited me in this dream and I KNEW with every fiber in my being that it was her. If I was a holy person, I would say that night I found God, but in this case I found mom again. I woke up from the dream and I couldn't stop crying. For a long time, I just cried and cried I was so happy but so sad that she was gone again. That I couldn't be with her. When I was younger she was with me and as a child you always take those moments for granted. When she got sicker as I was older I realized that I was lucky to have her in my life.
The world I have created for myself is wonderful and blessed. I have created a beautiful home. I have found my way to a rewarding and blissful and a career that has the capacity to make me feel young again. I think I need to call a friend and have them share a special moment with me.
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